Real Estate Investor Humorist Pillows

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

An exaggeration of estate agents

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

Estate Agents: Executive Homes

"I've downsized."

The New Square Mile Regulator.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

"Efficiency tombs available"

'Is the fire included?'

Large cap funds

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."