Property Market Humorist Pillows

"Blow a condo deal and move back in with the pigs."

"I've just been gazumped!"

"We did have something in your price range,but it burned down during the great fire of London."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"I've downsized."

"Efficiency tombs available"

Estate Agents: Executive Homes

'Is the fire included?'

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

'Here's the 2 acres of beachfront property you bought - too bad it's only six inches wide.'

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"The current owners removed a number of walls and used soft, neutral tones to create a very spacious, open concept."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

'Three words doc, why you should buy...dislocation,dislocation,dislocation.'

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have troubles with those in the back yard.'