Modern Home Humorist Pillows

'And this is the walk-in laundry chute.'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

Yard Sale

Peter

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Kevin, I'm leaving you to find myself ... a better Internet connection."

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

This man is an island.

Pop Top Ice FIshing

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"You text LOL, but you have yet to actualize LOL..."

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

God bless our home equity line of credit.

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

How to Build a Bungalow

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'