Quirky Home Humorist Pillows

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Chomp... Chomp... Curry Tree..."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Glance Exchange

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Optimist

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"How about a hand."

"It's just a tree."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'