Quirky Kitchen Humorist Pillows

No 3-Pronged Forks

'Who on EARTH writes a warning that this bag of nuts 'May contain nuts'?'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Soup of the month.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Like death by salad.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

'The Burrito King.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

Glance Exchange

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"