Quirky Kitchen Humorist Pillows

No 3-Pronged Forks

'Who on EARTH writes a warning that this bag of nuts 'May contain nuts'?'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"That's it. We’re toast."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Like death by salad.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

Glance Exchange

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."