Humorist Of The Kitchen Pillows

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken.' 'It tastes like chicken.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

'The Burrito King.'

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'