Humorist In Cooking Pillows

Chef: 'Howz that Octopus coming along Jeff?'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

Wok. Don't Wok.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

A Club Sandwitch.

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

Garlic Free Zone.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"