Humorist In The Kitchen Pillows

A vampire using ground pepper on his new victim.

'I downloaded these recipes. Care to try virtual meatloaf?'

''Spiced mill cider and home made apple pie.' Am I supposed to freshen the room with this or have it for dessert?'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

"The recipe? Well, there's lentils, garlic, tofu, and a pinch of our illegal secret ingredient."

"You asked for the soup of the day, you didn't specify what day."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Wok. Don't Wok.

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Amy Sedaris

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

Avocado Timeline

'Needs more kale.'

The secret lives of household things.

'He's all eyes!'

Decaying corpse

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

'Mom! Instant oatmeal is NOT fast food!'

'Flipping pancakes.' 'Waiting with a net.'

'Well, ex-CU-U-Use ME!'

Luigi's Career Change From Pizza Shop Owner to Masseuse Goes Smoothly...

"Sucker!" / "Stirrer!"

"...My daughter, the model..."

"And it was at the moment I realized that the only thing holding me back from culinary excellence was a bucket-load of butter."