Humorist Home Cook Pillows

"I can hear the smoke alarm.Is dinner ready?"

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Wok. Don't Wok.

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'I was in the catering corps.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

Yard Sale

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

Amy Sedaris

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Avocado Timeline

'Needs more kale.'

The secret lives of household things.

'He's all eyes!'

'Flipping pancakes.' 'Waiting with a net.'

'Mom! Instant oatmeal is NOT fast food!'

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

Decaying corpse

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

'Well, ex-CU-U-Use ME!'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

Luigi's Career Change From Pizza Shop Owner to Masseuse Goes Smoothly...

''Spiced mill cider and home made apple pie.' Am I supposed to freshen the room with this or have it for dessert?'