Home-cooked Humorist Pillows

'I found a way to make dinner in half the time. I don't finish it.'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Wok. Don't Wok.

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

Amy Sedaris

Avocado Timeline

'Needs more kale.'

'He's all eyes!'

The secret lives of household things.

'Flipping pancakes.' 'Waiting with a net.'

'Well, ex-CU-U-Use ME!'

'Mom! Instant oatmeal is NOT fast food!'

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

Decaying corpse

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

''Spiced mill cider and home made apple pie.' Am I supposed to freshen the room with this or have it for dessert?'

Luigi's Career Change From Pizza Shop Owner to Masseuse Goes Smoothly...

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'We thank you for this food and ask you to protect us from pesticides, additives and preservatives.'

"Sucker!" / "Stirrer!"

Chef: 'Howz that Octopus coming along Jeff?'

'...and how much experience have you of sushi making?'

Tin Opening

"I'm looking for something a little more open pan."

"And it was at the moment I realized that the only thing holding me back from culinary excellence was a bucket-load of butter."

"...My daughter, the model..."

"Patience, you can have it back in a minute..."