Home-cooked Humorist Gifts

'I found a way to make dinner in half the time. I don't finish it.'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Wok. Don't Wok.

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

Amy Sedaris

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

Avocado Timeline

'Needs more kale.'

The secret lives of household things.

'He's all eyes!'

'Well, ex-CU-U-Use ME!'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'Mom! Instant oatmeal is NOT fast food!'

''Spiced mill cider and home made apple pie.' Am I supposed to freshen the room with this or have it for dessert?'

'Flipping pancakes.' 'Waiting with a net.'

"I couldn't have made my family recipe raisin date nut cake with it's secret ingredient without Jimmy's help."

Luigi's Career Change From Pizza Shop Owner to Masseuse Goes Smoothly...

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

Decaying corpse

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

'We thank you for this food and ask you to protect us from pesticides, additives and preservatives.'

"Sucker!" / "Stirrer!"

"I'm looking for something a little more open pan."

'...and how much experience have you of sushi making?'

"Patience, you can have it back in a minute..."

Chef: 'Howz that Octopus coming along Jeff?'

"And it was at the moment I realized that the only thing holding me back from culinary excellence was a bucket-load of butter."

Tin Opening