Kitchen Humorist Gifts

"Even more dangerous than crossing the road is being undercooked."

New! Flat-panel Appliances.

Health and safety at work.

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

Avocado Timeline

'I was in the catering corps.'

"The killer had to be a man. Not only is the knife still bloody—it wasn't even put in the sink."

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

"Peep.....Peeep...bloody peep!"

"Quick, get it while its molecules are still vibrating."

"Please stop calling this 'the break room' and no, there's not space for a water cooler."

"I recently escaped from an arranged marriage."

A lady interviewing a new cook.

Surprised cook.

Get me a bottle of house white. I need to clean the stainless steel surfaces.

'Oh for heaven's sake, woman, can't you use a knife like everyone else?'

'He's all eyes!'

'Does this taste like it might have accidentally gotten some rat poison in it?'

"Chef keeps the secrets of his sauces close to his chest"

'OK, here are the rules: We can't be seen by humans and can't leave droppings around, otherwise, they'll close the restaurant...'

'Show Off'. Hat size jealousy among chefs.

'My apologies for the delay - I'm afraid the microwave had broken so chef has to use the oven.'

Chef chases after a runaway egg.

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

'I can't believe it's not butter!'

'I doubt you will have what I'm looking for, young man - an eye-level grill?'

"Sucker!" / "Stirrer!"

The secret lives of household things.

"Good news, we don't have to pretend to be veggie this week, the butcher had a special offer on."

"Everything is grate."

"That's my little brother... the pot head!"

"It's time to meet your maker."

"Make a different wish- your bagel is really stuck."

"It's better than my mother's cooking but not as good as my first wife's."

Amy Sedaris