Cooking Humorist Gifts

Great Moments in Culinary History.

Whoa! Willard, you know you can't put metal in a microwave! Why not just heat it the old fashioned way and use your nostrils?

Tofu: Firm, Soft, Amusingly Jiggly

'Something moved!'

Luigi's Career Change From Pizza Shop Owner to Masseuse Goes Smoothly...

"Today we will have the Swedish buffet!"

'Could you just tweak the regulator on my big toe to about gas mark three, thanks.'

'I can't cook wooly mammoth like your mother used to because wooly mammoths are EXTINCT!'

'Would you mind if we did some jacket potatoes in your fire ?'

"Oh no, I'm not the Lady of Shalott, I'm just the Lady of Plain Old Onions."

"What's this in the stew?"

"Your steak comes with a well done certificate."

Battering Ram.

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

Night of the Latkes

Wok. Don't Wok.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'The Burrito King.'

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.