Humorist In The Culinary Scene Gifts

Customer being served a pizza with a 'no smoking' topping.

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

Lesser known greek gods,

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'The Burrito King.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

A Club Sandwitch.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Garlic Free Zone.

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'