Cooking Humorists Gifts

"My husband said I should try a cookbook when I'm cooking! But I don't think it will taste any better!"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Wok. Don't Wok.

Lesser known greek gods,

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

Paris' magnificent Trifle tower.

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

A Club Sandwitch.

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Garlic Free Zone.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"