Humorist Chef Gifts

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Blackened Fish: Cook until the smoke detector goes off.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Today's Special: Cream of Leftovers

'The two things you cook best are meatloaf and apple pie!... Which one is this?'

'I'll tell you what's for dinner if you'll promise not to laugh.'

"Much of his cooking suffers from burn-out."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

'The Burrito King.'

A Club Sandwitch.

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

Where Deviled Eggs come from

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'