Home Cooking Humorist Gifts

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'Mom's a lousy cook.'

'Thanks King. You're a prince.'

"Sure it tastes like homemade... your wife works here."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

Why did Ernie take that off his wrist and put it here when he had to leave the kitchen? For safety reasons. A watched pot never boils. Ernie says you are what you eat. It's true in his case. Ernie is just like his food. He is sweet, and has some but not too much spice. Plus there's nothing artificial about him. Also like his food, Ernie is an acquired taste. And to me they have both become irresistibly delicious!

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Does this thing get channel four.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

The Complete Spaghetti Dinner.

'It's all homemade.'

Chef copy robot

"So why do you need a ladder to make pancakes?"

"How would you like your steak sir—really well done or raw? We've got a new chef."