Humorist Home Cook Gifts

"I can hear the smoke alarm.Is dinner ready?"

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Wok. Don't Wok.

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'I was in the catering corps.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

Yard Sale

There! I've made my year's supply of zucchini bread! That's kind of a lot. How can you store them all? It's no problem. I just throw out last year's supply.

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

Amy Sedaris

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

Avocado Timeline

'Needs more kale.'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'He's all eyes!'

The secret lives of household things.

Decaying corpse

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"I couldn't have made my family recipe raisin date nut cake with it's secret ingredient without Jimmy's help."

Luigi's Career Change From Pizza Shop Owner to Masseuse Goes Smoothly...

''Spiced mill cider and home made apple pie.' Am I supposed to freshen the room with this or have it for dessert?'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

'Mom! Instant oatmeal is NOT fast food!'

'Well, ex-CU-U-Use ME!'

'Flipping pancakes.' 'Waiting with a net.'