Kitchen Humorologist Pillows

"What am I doing? Just cooking dinner with a little whine."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Wok. Don't Wok.

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

'The Burrito King.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

A Club Sandwitch.

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

Garlic Free Zone.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'