Comedian In The Kitchen Pillows

"Richard's not a foodie - he's a boozie."

'He's changed his mind, how do you unscramble eggs?.'

'Bubble and squeak. What's in it?'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'Your French dip, sir.'

"States of tofu"

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Chez Nous Menu

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

6 Brothers Falafel

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Night of the Latkes

'Like death by salad.'

"Would you like some wings?"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

Wok. Don't Wok.

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Ninja bread men"

Cookbooks

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'