Comedian In The Kitchen Gifts

"Richard's not a foodie - he's a boozie."

'He's changed his mind, how do you unscramble eggs?.'

'Bubble and squeak. What's in it?'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'Your French dip, sir.'

"States of tofu"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Chez Nous Menu

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"That's it. We’re toast."

6 Brothers Falafel

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Soup of the month.

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

'Like death by salad.'

Night of the Latkes

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Cookbooks

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Ninja bread men"

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

Wok. Don't Wok.