Humorist Of The Kitchen T-Shirts

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken.' 'It tastes like chicken.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'The Burrito King.'

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

Why did Ernie take that off his wrist and put it here when he had to leave the kitchen? For safety reasons. A watched pot never boils. Ernie says you are what you eat. It's true in his case. Ernie is just like his food. He is sweet, and has some but not too much spice. Plus there's nothing artificial about him. Also like his food, Ernie is an acquired taste. And to me they have both become irresistibly delicious!

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages