In-home Comedian Gifts

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"Gerald converted the barbecue grill to natural gas."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

Happy Brithday

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Galileo, I've had about enough of all your gravity experiments!"

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

Carpet Cows

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'