In-home Comedian Gifts

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

Happy Brithday

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

Carpet Cows

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"