Stay-at-home Comedian Gifts

Stay at Home Yellowstone.

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

Happy Brithday

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

Politicians' basements (as seen on TV)

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"A raise? Unlimited free refills aren't enough for you?"

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."