Professional Comedian Gifts

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

They hated me.

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

Showbiz Awards

Zombie standup

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

12 O'clock was 'I'm a tractor time.'

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'The circle is complete!'

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

Trump pardons

'Your French dip, sir.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

If a bunch of crazy red headed clowns come out that door...Run like you've never ran before!

No-Work Orange

"I got super baked in the shire and accidentally recruited these four little weirdos for the most important mission of all time."

The Rooster Comedian.

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.