Career Comedian Gifts

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'Those two alone should ensure I become a wealthy lawyer.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'This is Howard, our former investment advisor. He went along with a career change suggested by his clients.'

Qualifications? Well, I'm on a salt-free diet.

"Good interview, Barnes. The crying, begging and pandering were a nice tough."

"Oh, I'm comfortable with a job offering minimum security. It reminds me of my last 4 years in prison."

'Your standardized test scores are impressive, but we have no standardized jobs.'

'I went into hunting and gathering. And you?'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'I try to think of not having a job as the greatest tax loophole.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'My former boss called me an 'Efficiency Expert' because I messed up as much as possible in the shortest time!'

Woman to Plumber - 'Do you do teeth?'

'The two-month gap in my resume? I was stuck in a bean bag chair.'

"Well, you're hired. Your resume has just enough of the over-the-top enthusiasm and idealism I find so poignantly amusing."

'We do require human references, if possible!'

"You're our most ineffective employee, we're moving you to where you can do the least damage."

'How would you describe yourself. . . a leader or a follower.'

'Some book-keeping, photocopying, general office duties and some danger...'

"I finally gave up prostitution and the job corps sends me to a seminar called 'Selling Yourself'"

'I'm willing to start at the bottom.'

'I would've dressed better, but my tie was dirty.'

"Your right boss, less is more. The less I do the more you do."

'No way I'll apply for that job: What a horrible way to make a living...'

"I don't like the reason why he tore up my resignation letter."

'My career's in ruins. I'm an archaeologist.'

"You were jumping for joy when you got discharged from the army."

The Job Interview

"What can I do? I'm not cut out to be a hunter and I'm too lazy to be a gatherer!"

"Hunting, but I do dabble in gathering from time to time."