Career Changer Humorist Gifts

"Well... If it's any consolation, your resume did get a chuckle or two!"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

"Actually, I worked my way up from 'ideas'."

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

'Don't be alarmed - I'm a proctologist.'

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."