Career Changer Humorist Pillows

"Well... If it's any consolation, your resume did get a chuckle or two!"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"Actually, I worked my way up from 'ideas'."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

'Don't be alarmed - I'm a proctologist.'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."