Career Comedy Enthusiast Pillows

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

"Actually, I worked my way up from 'ideas'."

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

'Don't be alarmed - I'm a proctologist.'

"Thank God your mother didn't live to see what you've become."

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

'I'm afraid I can't do business with you, Miss Carstairs -- you're just too damned cute.'

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'I went into hunting and gathering. And you?'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"Sir, Human Resources has clogged the organic waste bins with burned out workers again!"

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"