Career Humorists Pillows

"This is my son Sam, the doctor; my son Winston, the lawyer; and my son Alden, the lawnblower."

'Bachelor of Science?' 'Bog Standard Comprehensive.'

'Norma, Mr. Reaper here is seeking to make a career change.'

"If I'd known you were looking for someone without experience, I wouldn't have exaggerated my abilities."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Employee of the Month Parking

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"So how did the rest of the team respond to your promotion?"

The suggestion box.

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'And this is the computer that sends out our final demands.'