Professional Humorist Pillows

"I see from your resume you have a black belt in accountancy."

"Baxter, I'm doing an online course in delegating and I want you to sit the exam for me."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'If you need me for anything, just whistle.'

'And you call yourself a lawyer?'

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

The Phantom Of The Garden

"They'll be expecting adagio. Go with the allegro."

Opera singer singing to her partner who is wearing a gas mask on due to her bad breath.

Guitar pickin'

Rap-scallions

"I've thought about retiring, but there's a great deal of gravity under this chair."

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

Double Saxophone

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"Who is 'coming around the mountain,' John? Could it be your mother?"

Pay me not to pay 'Wonderwall'

"Beans, Them Beans, Them Beans, Beans, Beans..."

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

Edward Elgar.

All Les's dreams of stardom were coming true, and he'd only played one note.

'Never mind singing it in rap...a simple 'I do' will suffice.''

"Ding" "Dong"

Magic Act

No Instruments Please

Dr. Phil takes it home.