Career Comedians Gifts

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"According to your C.V. you were self employed, but you made yourself redundant?"

'Whatever you do, don't tell them you think you're ready to take on more responsibility.'

"The demands of this job can place quite a burden on your family, so we recommend you fake your own death."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

"You're not the only one who thinks they've got the worst job in the world."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

'Your resume seems in order, Mr Lupo, but would you explain exactly why you want to work here? Mr Lupo?'

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

BOB THE MUGGER - Ring bell for service

'All this job requires is some mud-wallowing and snarling... I'd say you're overqualified.'

"Hello ma'am, I'm a college graduate selling vacuum cleaners door to door..."

'It's 'any little boy CAN grow up to be President ' -- It's not a REQUIREMENT.'

Occu-Pie Mars

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

They're Not Just That Into It

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

A likely story - lost his waterskis in a poker game !