Career Comedy Gifts

'I didn't pass the written exam.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

Boss's Desk Says No!

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

'What's wrong now?'

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'So what do you think of my report, sir?'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'I know it's a bit unusual, but that's where he gets all the best ideas.'

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'You did turn the company around... but we liked it the way it was...'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Well, I must say I never thought team-building exercises could be such fun.'

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

Unto thee shall pass the executive laser pointer. Take this authority and delegate it.

'No, they're not my children. They gave me these for doing a good job at work.'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'I hear you got your increase.' - 'Yes, that proves my theory, if you whine enough, you get anything you want.'

'Did you get the hard copy from Mr. Dawson?'