Future Comedians Gifts

'When you hold this shell to your ear, you can hear my Mum snoring.'

'But I don't need qualifications, daddy - I'm going to be a dumb blonde when I grow up!'

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It was better before God took up knitting."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

'Yeah, but if it's NOT a mirage, maybe we can find Mapquest on it!'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"We can speak freely now. I've encrypted the line."

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

'Grownups are stupid! How can you be good and have fun?'

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'