Future Sitcom Star Gifts

"Of course, now I'm just a class clown, but eventually I'd like my own sitcom."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies

"Birth, bed, bath, beer, bankruptcy, bifocals, balding and beyond."

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

"When I grow up, I want to be a Presidential impersonator on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

'I'm at that awkward age when I can't read my own handwriting. Do they teach penmanship in college?'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

Mail and Femail restrooms for envelopes.

"There are several words I could use to describe your condition, but I'm leaning towards whiney."

'I've learned that adding water to coffee only weakens the effect.'

"It's your real-estate agent. She says she may have found you a higher ledge."

'I can't play. I'm going 'Time Out Chair' shopping with my mom.'

"I'm afraid the Will Ferrell quotes and hilarious duck impressions just aren't covering your low productivity levels any more, Ted."

'I hope he doesn't pick on ME!'

Waiting to be discovered, or taken to work, whichever comes first...

'Remember, never let adults know summer vacation can sometimes be boring or they may make it shorter.'

"Your S.A.T. score was 13. Have you considered clown college?"

"We're going to use the 6.4 million pounds to purchase a terraced in a run down area of Huddersfield."

'The dog ate my homework -- I thought maybe you could X-ray him.'

Will was excited to be bonding more with his father-in-law-to-be until he noticed the head of the driver.

Former class clown and his sidekick torment the substitute waitress.

'I don't have a CV as such, but here is a list of my former employers...'

Little Moray's bath toys.

"Gracie, please don't eat me. I...want to...live."

"He's chasing his dreams."

"There's got to be a better way to break into show business than appearing on Hot Ones."

"What is it, Lassie? You say Connor both smelt it and dealt it?!"