Future Talk-show Star Gifts

'The reason your mom wears combat boots - and I talk about this in my book...'

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

'What TV show do frog princes go on ...?...'

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"

X Factor contestant dressed as a 'Y'.

Night Life: L.A.

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

'Straying from the subject, Danny, is not distance learning.'

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

Talkshow Scheduling Dept. I scheduled a guest how a book advocating a strong military position. You booked a hawk who's hawking a book!

"I've seen your latest project and I must say, it really stinks. I mean, it is utterly putrid. It totally reeks."

'The way I see it, with all the talk shows out there, nobody needs a wife!'

Jerry Springer

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking your calls. I'll tell you how to fix your hopeless relationship or cope with all the people at work who really are better than you. Then I'll berate you for not manning up and dealing with it on your own instead of bugging me about it! Los Angeles, CA, you're on. What's your problem? Click.

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

"When I grow up, I want to be a Presidential impersonator on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

'Our guest today is. . . er. . . a Corporation. . .'

'He's got a lot of talent and everything, but I just don't think he's cut out for talk radio.'

'Larry, did you feel THAT? Your career just peaked! And on MY show! Isn't that fantastic?'

The Great Larrynx

Orca Winfrey interviews Meghan Mackerel.

Sally Jessy Raphael

'I wish someone would finally make that Oprah Winfrey shush! I would but I can't find the remote.'

"Your case has been turned down by Oprah, but we're appealing to Sally Jessy Raphael."

"You won't find Miss Miriam Hirschman an easy nut to crack, Mr. Leno."

"And now...here to spew his unique brand of unhinged babble and utter nonsense, let's welcome my guest..."