Future Talk Show Host Gifts

Why Kids Don't Host Talk Shows

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID MAMET

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

'What TV show do frog princes go on ...?...'

Jerry Springer of biblical times.

Letterman Show: 'He's always been at my side...the one consonant in my life...'

Dr. Phil takes it home.

Late Night with Patrick O'Brian

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

Obama: The Other White Meat

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"

Night Life: L.A.

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

Men discussing a book on a chat show

Larry King

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

Trappist talk show.

"I understand they've uncovered some weird new side effects since you were here last."

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

'Straying from the subject, Danny, is not distance learning.'

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

Progressive Media Outlets and The Right.

Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs on the Maury show: "I have the DNA results right here!"