Talk Show Producer Gifts

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

Cut!

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

TV jester.

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

Applause

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

'Contrary to the popular view, our studies show that it is real life that contributes to violence on television.'

Canadian film production

"Here's the deal, boys. We need to see a little more bickering. We're doing a Reality Show."

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

Mary Tyler Moore: Spot the Difference

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'