Talk Show Hosts Gifts

'I realize that you're upset that Oprah hasn't reviewed your new book on her show. But you are on MY show, so why don't you tell us what inspired you to write 'Overcoming Disappointment and Resentment.''

"The reason it's going to keep flashing on and off is that we love you, and we want you to love us, too."

Showbiz Awards

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"Oh, Jeff, you swore this wasn't a podcast."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

Fishermen

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID MAMET

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!