Talk Show Hosts Pillows

'I realize that you're upset that Oprah hasn't reviewed your new book on her show. But you are on MY show, so why don't you tell us what inspired you to write 'Overcoming Disappointment and Resentment.''

"The reason it's going to keep flashing on and off is that we love you, and we want you to love us, too."

Tired of long-winded pundits overanalyzing the news? Your days of boring news talk shows are behind you! Welcome CNM viewers to a sizzling new concept in talk shows: No you are! I'm Brit Johnson, your host. Today's first topic, Health Care Reform. Joining me from the left, Damon Silver. From the right, Paula Doyle. Damon, your thoughts? It's complicated but I'll tell you what's obvious. Paula's all wrong. She's a decent person, but when it comes to health care, she's an idiot. No you are! No you

'I suppose you expect me to talk?'

'I wish there was someone here who could insult me and give me hope at the same time!'

Showbiz Awards

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"Oh, Jeff, you swore this wasn't a podcast."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

Sci-Fi Museum. New Exhibit. H.G. Wells War of the Worlds. In 1938, Orson Welles broadcast "War of the Worlds," a radio drama about aliens from Mars invading earth. The radio drama was presented as a series of fake news reports about devastation caused by the invading aliens. Many listeners turned in to the program mid-roadcast and thought the news reports were real. Widespread panic ensued. Wow! Orson Welles caused all that panic with a radio program. Just imagine what he could have don

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

Fishermen

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

'For the luxury item I'd like my ipod.'

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID MAMET

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

"So—who are you angry at currently?"