Television Producers Gifts

"This is Jeremy Kyle's Emergency Room. It's traumatic, it's revolting and it's acutely embarrassing. So I asked for a professional opinion. Unfortunately the results came back negative."

The Barefoot Cro-magnon.

Soul Shopping Channel.

"Police dramas just aren't what they used to be."

"We've had to rename it, no one watches talk shows anymore."

"He forgot to record his show, so he had to watch it live. 693 commercials in one hour was too much for him to handle."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

Cut!

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

TV jester.

Applause

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

'Contrary to the popular view, our studies show that it is real life that contributes to violence on television.'