Broadcast Producer Gifts

"You wouldn't think they would allow language like that at a time when grandparents are likely to be watching."

24-7 News Channel

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

"Stay there for five minutes. I have to send the commercials!"

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Cut!

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

Applause

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

TV jester.

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

'Contrary to the popular view, our studies show that it is real life that contributes to violence on television.'