Future Comedy Star Gifts

"When I grow up, I want to be a Presidential impersonator on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Rap music

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Toy plane with pilot eject.

A private jet takes off

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

Rodin's Thinker.

Exit Next Left

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."