Aspiring Comedian Gifts

'The dog ate my homework -- I thought maybe you could X-ray him.'

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

"I'll need to see some I.D. for the Claritin."

"I'll have the vegan chickpea 'omelette'-- and can I have some 'flavor' on the side?"

"Your S.A.T. score was 13. Have you considered clown college?"

'Wait a minute. Are worms Atkins approved?'

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

Desperate for a cash machine

Got any jaguars?

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

'I thought you should know, I'm thinking of making a bid for class clown.'

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

"First they say you can grow up to be anyone you want to be. Then they prosecute you when you steal someone's identity."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Three more years of high school."

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.