Aspiring Comic Gifts

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."

"I would like a tube of lemon yellow, cadmium red, cobalt blue, ivory, black, and zinc white, a sixteen-by-twenty canvas, a couple of brushes, and that book 'Painting in Oils'."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"I'm gonna be a 'New Yorker' cartoonist. You're not supposed to understand it."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

'I don't care if Jackson Pollock did start out this way. We are drawing kittens.'

'I really wanted to only take accounting courses, but my parents made me take this cartooning class so I would have something to fall back on.'

'Miss Donahue would give him an F.'

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

"I've been genetically modified!"

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

Children's Imagination

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

Directors chairs on movie set with Model, Actress, and Whatever on them

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

Brian, I hope you're taking this seriously.

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

Office Politics Superstore.

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies

"Mom told me to make my vegetables disapear."

"That'll be the day!"

"I've made a fortune as a successful artist! I couldn't see this happening if I became a soldier or a worker..."

"This area is popular with would-be actresses and models,we call it 'Silicon Implants'."

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

'Oh Rats! I can't be creative with a box of flat crayons!'

'Today's unwilling nude model is Ralph.'

'I've learned that adding water to coffee only weakens the effect.'

'I was only famous for 14 and a half minutes.'

Mail and Femail restrooms for envelopes.

"I've been an emerging artist for ten years now..."

'I need to practice painting the human figure, MOM! Models cost money!"

"There are several words I could use to describe your condition, but I'm leaning towards whiney."