Aspiring Jokester Gifts

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'Okay, okay! You can have a lick of my sucker.'

"We need someone who's responsible."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

'Alan, it's the 11th hole, and that Tiger Woods mask isn't intimidating us...'

'It certainly sounds like a fantastic offer, but I'm not supposed to answer the phone.'

'To err is human. To really mess up, we've got to do some planning.'

'Well if sixty is the new fifty and forty is the new thirty then yes,twenty must be the new ten...'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

Politics Books

'How can you tell?'

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

"Your S.A.T. score was 13. Have you considered clown college?"

Kid, you can't go taking credit cards and identities. It's stealing. Just the same as if you stole something from a store. Yes sir. I want to be a good person. I won't do it anymore. And no freezing my assets. You're no fun at all.