Aspiring Humorist Gifts

"He's chasing his dreams."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Three more years of high school."

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

The End of the World is postponed from 2000 to 2112.

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

'Hello. My father is an attorney. This is how I allegedly spent my summer vacation.'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"You're not going anywhere, young man, until you probe and release your catch!"

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'