Hopeful Humorist Gifts

Crossed fingers on a sign for the operating room.

Hope

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

"Roadkill cookies"

Daffodil bulbs

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'I told you not to order the chocolate cream surprise.'

"You say we atheists are going to Hell? Look at all the f**ks we give... Go ahead... Look at them all."

'Before we begin, let me see what my fortune cookie says.'