Goal-oriented Humorist Gifts

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Roadkill cookies"

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'