Self-loving Humorist Gifts

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

Dummies for Dummies.

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

Paunch and Judy.

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'